The Past
Posted in Random Nonsense, Writing on 01/18/2007 11:47 am by toriThis is Me
That little angel never appeared
Just a geek in hornrimmed glasses
Hidden behind a thick novel, frowning
Dissecting sentences and adjectives
Never was a beauty girl, wore jeans
Torn t-shirts with band names
Broke out face, mind broke out
Scared the boys and still do
I wanted to be a pretty girl
Wanted love and admirers
Never made it to an angel
Never made it to the devil
Hands click on keys, hold a pen
Pour thoughts on black and white
Just waiting for that moment, the time
When I will stop waiting for praise.
—
I posted this elsewhere, for those who know (secret society handshake). I’ve been thinking about the past because of Myspace, for all stupid reasons. Stephen started looking up people he knew in high school (remembering the good more than the bad) so I did the same. Everyone has changed so much, which is obvious. I think the most amazing thing is that I still have the same fears about these people that I did 10 years ago. Will they reject me if I “add” them? Will they look at the pics of me and family and go, yep, she’s fat just like we thought?
I wonder how long it takes to stop doubting yourself and start loving yourself. Self esteem, phthththt. Like I’ve ever had that. Even at my prettiest and thinnest (yes, I know, judging the book by the cover and all that) I didn’t feel worth a poop. Today, I feel worth more, but not enough. Hell, I can’t decide on anything. One minute I’m a writer and the next I feel like I should be more than that… should be saving lives and kicking ass.
I wish I could get out of this loop and learn that everyone feels this way (to an extent) but I can’t. Death rears its ugly head in my family, and I feel impermanent… like I’ve got to leave something to society. My mom says my mark is made by my daughter, but I want to leave my own. Perhaps I’ve just got to keep writing…
01/23/2007 at 8:06 pm
Tori!
You definitely need to keep writing. Hurts from the past suck, but try to find that way to kick them out. Take control, ya know? I’ve always believed, too, that writing does help kick some ass, make people think, change worlds and lives.
I know it’s not exactly the same, but…
fwiw, I have a perpetual habit of gaining/losing 10-20 pounds. When I’m twenty pounds overweight, I feel like crap. Not because I think I look horrible, but because it makes me uncomfortable, just because I’m used to the other way (like fitting into my clothes!)
Everyone’s self-esteem gets screwed with….it’s only in the ways it manifests that differ.
great site
02/22/2007 at 11:49 am
You have made your mark by your interactions with your husband and with my family in general. You’ve definitely made a mark with me. I understand about low self esteem and it really doesn’t have much to do with looks like you said.
I feel like I’m accomplishing nothing in my life and now my life revolves around Emery and her needs. No at home job or any other job for that matter for at least a LONG time. So now what? Is MY mark just my daughter as I have thought in the past as well? Maybe!
At least you have the guts to write. I’ve picked up a paintbrush and I’m just stifled and stuck. Of course, ME time has vanished as Emery has gotten older and had more needs but even now that we’re going to get respite (educated babysitter comes for Emery) I know I still won’t be able to create a thing. I will probably sleep because I’m physically and emotionally drained with my new job as Mom / speech therapist / special ed therapist / OT therapist…. Ack.