Tori’s Writing Hole

Ah, Mr. iBook. We had some good times, didn’t we? Mostly bad in the last few months, but I still remember getting you out of your box, all shiny and new. Having a Mac to write on was great while it lasted. But now you’re returning to the great Electronic Beyond, recycling in the great Karmic Wheel of Junk. I’ll be getting your younger cousin soon, little Ms. MacBook - a present from the great Apple gods who are sick of repairing you. Rest in peace, my little white friend.

In other words, I lost lots of writing, all my stuff I hadn’t backed up, and won’t have a computer for two weeks while this is sorted out.

But now, the GOOD news. I am cancer-free. That’s right, the big ol’ cyst in my belly (well, ovary) is benign, the CA 125 test showed no cancer markers. That means it’s *just* endometriosis or some other sort of benign cyst/mass. Yay!

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The title is actually twofold. Well, first of all, regarding myself - I am *less* afraid than I was. Some careful thinking, the fact that the cyst/mass/whatevah grew so fast, makes me think that it’s an endometrioma and not some horrid cancer. I will call the dr on Wednesday or so to see if I got my blood test results back.

Secondly, Julia’s not afraid of the swings anymore! Yesterday, which was a beautiful day, we went to the park. At first, she was a bit apprehensive of the swing area. It’s set back from the other part of the park (there are two sets of swings on either side of the playground, only one has the toddler swings). She kept running back towards them, then shying away. Finally, Daddy and I sat on the swings nearby and showed her how much fun it could be.

Julia decided to ride with Daddy first, and then she went on a toddler swing all by her lonesome! Yay! So less pressure meant she was more calm, and made it onto the swings on her own terms. She even climbed up and slid down the slide a few times. The strange thing is how proud I was… that she was dirty. Julia’s dirty jeans from sliding into the dustbowl they call a sandbox at the park showed me that she’s getting rid of her fear of… everything. She played hard.

Afterwards, we went to a local farm stand and got some of the last strawberries of the season. Strangely, the announcement board behind the cash register said “Cancel your cell phone and save the honey bees!”. Of course, I had to look it up - and it turns out that there was a hypothesis that the radiation from cell phones was causing our bee shortage this year. It was disproved, and the real culprit is believed to be a fungus… see this article I found.

A thoroughly interesting, and non-stressful day. Today on the other hand… arrgh.

Technorati Tags: swings, park, toddler, bees, strawberries

I went back to the doctor (GYN) on Wednesday and was told news that floored me. I went in expecting to hear, well, you’ve got a cyst - we’ll keep an eye on it - and that’s it. Instead, I got the tsk. No one wants to hear the tsk - its cousin, the hmm is pretty bad too. Evidently, my ultrasound showed that I had a mass, not just a cyst, on my ovary. This is bad. I didn’t have an infection at all (so I took two weeks of nausea-inducing antibiotics for nothing) and there’s a chance I could have cancer.

*Deep Breath*

My mom had three primary cancers (breast twice and kidney once), so I’m freaking. I know my chances are pretty slim, after all, I’m very young for ovarian cancer. The scary thing is my mom’s chances for breast cancer were slim as well - they (doctors) told her it was a 99% chance that the findings were not cancer. She’s had a double mastectomy since then.

I have been tested (or blood drawn for) a cancer marker, CA 125. If it’s slightly elevated, it indicates endometriosis, and the fact that my tumor is probably really a blood-filled chocolate cyst. If it’s super high… well, either way someone’s going to be cutting into my tummy soon. In four weeks, I get another ultrasound, and I’ll know for sure. Hopefully, high dose birth control will shrink it if it’s an endometrial cyst.

I’m very scared, but have a loving family and friends, so I know I’ll get through this. Any positive energy would be appreciated, though!

Technorati Tags: doctor, cancer, endometriosis

I am a poet. Or at least, I like to believe this is the case. But lately, every poem I’ve submitted for publishing has met with rejection. Not even personalized, that was ok but not for us rejection - just form letters. I love poetry, and at the risk of sounding really egotistical, I love MY poetry. So it makes me wonder what I’m doing wrong.

I guess having the first thing I ever subbed published made me feel a bit spoiled, but now I’m just either going downhill as a writer or something similar. While I think I’ve evolved, creating better works, it seems as though my earlier stuff was more easily accepted.

What to do? Should I stop subbing for a while, write for me, and stop worrying about the approval of others? (HAH! - that will never happen). Or, do I try to write to what others want?

I keep having this dilemma - perhaps I’m looking for something I’ll never achieve, fame or acceptance or even just praise.

Technorati Tags: poetry, submission, publish, acceptance

Although it’s been summery for a while now, today really felt like it to me. Probably because I did yard work. Living in an apartment for eight years really spoiled me, I’ll tell you that. Now, we have a tiny yard, but it still needs to be mowed. I haven’t had to mow a lawn since I was 16 - but now I take turns with Stephen. We have a reel mower (so quiet and eco-friendly) but the darn thing gets stuck on everything - from rocks, to sticks, to imaginary bumps. I’m short, so the handle kept jolting back bruising my ribs. I feel like a side of beef in a bad boxing movie. But, it’s satisfying work - mowing - you see results right away. Clean lines of shorter grass forming a velvet carpet (ok, most carpets don’t have pine cones sticking out of them, or spiders sauntering across, but you get the picture).

I forgot, however, that I’m still taking doxycycline. So I was only outside for about 45 minutes (with 45 SPF sunblock) but I still feel all burned on and underneath my skin. Sheesh. I feel like some days I couldn’t do anything right.

I also prepared Stephen’s Father’s Day presents, wrapping them with those neat curled ribbons that fascinated me as a child (and attract Julia as well). She came in while I was wrestling with ribbon and scissors, and I sighed, loudly. “Oh, Honey Bunch”… pipes up this angelic 2 year old voice, “It’s ok honey don’t worry”. This from the daughter who also will periodically come up to us and say, “Wha’s wrong? Wha happen?” She seems so in tune with emotions and picks up everything we say for her own little mannerisms. So amazing.

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