Tori’s Writing Hole

I never planned to have more kids after Julia. I’ve even contemplated getting tied (tubal ligation) and having Stephen snipped. But after all that thought, I just couldn’t do it. I’m only 28, and that’s a big step. Plus, even with the pre-eclampsia, the preemie birth and my other health conditions - I just couldn’t say no forever. I love being a mom.

Today I found out that I no longer have that choice. In addition to the PCOS (polycystic ovary syndrome) I have now been diagnosed with endometriosis. I also have an enlarged ovary with a mass on it (a large fluid filled cyst) as well as other small cysts. In addition to these issues, there is also infected tissue in there.

I have to go back on high dose birth control pills, and hope against hope that the tumor shrinks. Of course, the pills will most likely make me crazy, which is something to look forward to. If they don’t work in 6 weeks, I will need surgery. No matter what, I will not be able to get pregnant again without much surgical intervention, or not at all.

Walking out through the OB GYN office, seeing the round bellies and content smiles of moms-to-be, I could barely hold it in. I am happy with my daughter and never regret a moment, but now… to have my choice made for me about future children, is horrifying.

Technorati Tags: endometriosis, ovarian cyst, tumor, birth control

whether I will be under the knife soon, or if I’ll ever be able to have children again. I’m afraid the two answers will be yes and no. Pain, searing and dull at the same time, has invaded my insides with a vengeance. Yes, I already had problems, but never like this. I hope I will come out of this experience whole and healthy, but with my prior experiences (both familial and personal) I know it’s never easy.

Sometimes, I wonder if some higher power has a thing against me. I never did anything to hurt you, higher power - so stop messing with me! Either that or nature has decided I just had it too easy with my other chronic illnesses, and wanted to give me a kick into additional pain and problems. Ok, I know I was blessed with much (and still am) but really - I’m not taking it for granted. I get it - live well, don’t be bad, love often. I do these and more, so take away the curse, ok?

Technorati Tags: insides, pain, surgery, illness, higher power