Tori’s Writing Hole

I’m actually doing ok. For some reason, a switch to a lower dosage of the same pill I was already on seems to have killed the crazies - for now. I’m less tired and doing more housework, a combo that can’t be beat. I’ve done some real work, been thinking about expressing myself through visual art as well as the written word, and I actually read some poetry aloud to Stephen. Yep, all this happened in two days. Damn, if I’d only known… I might not have lost the last six months or so to fog and darkness.

Julia’s so damn adorable, she wants to name our cat “Chicken Balls”. See, we were playing with names around the table - ranging from “Beans”, “Waffles” and “Gray” to “Albuquerque”. We were prefacing each little statement with “How about…”, which is Julia’s cue to name an animal for our thrilling, endless rounds of Old Macdonald Had A Farm. I guess Old Macdonald was about to have Chicken Balls… because as we were saying “How about… Waffles?” she came out with “How about Chicken Balls?”. Chicken Balls… for a moment, we thought it over. It would have to be abbreviated, see, because I don’t think anyone would understand two grown adults calling a kitten Chicken Balls. CB didn’t quite have the ring. And of course, the picture of what Chicken Balls would be… lil’ shriveled balls on a cock. (Ok, now I’m not safe for work!).

Besides this gem of a memory, Julia has decided that she wants to clean everything. With a little dry paintbrush. Which is also her magic wand. I so hope this enthusiasm for cleaning continues until the age of 10 or so… when she actually can.

Technorati Tags: depression, mom, chicken, balls

is pepper. Ok, maybe it’s not the cure for everything, but it is the solution to getting Julia to eat dinner. Just offer her the teensiest sprinkle of black pepper on her food, and all is well. No more of the “airplane”, the magic dances, the enticements - pepper will do. She doesn’t even notice if we hardly sprinkle any at all, the shaker itself is enough to get her going.

I’m changing antidepressants, again, so if my posting on here is sporadic at best - well, you know why. They make me taper off the ones I’m taking and onto the new stuff (ah, Effexor, the one not yet tried). I will most likely get the nausea, sleepiness and head zaps that are so enjoyable when weaning oneself off of an SSRI (or in this case, an SNRI) and then have to learn what my new side effects will be. What wonders does Effexor have in store? Weight gain? Thirst? Horrid gas? (That one was from Zoloft). No sex drive? Well, I won’t know until I’m on the stuff, but the Cymbalta’s pooped out on me. To climb out of this blackest pit of despair I’ll risk it.

I’ll just keep looking at the pix of Roswell on my desktop and thinking about cute kitties.

Technorati Tags: depression, antidepressants, pepper, eating

Sometimes, I watch TLC’s “A Baby Story”. It’s torturous - these complainers who can’t stand being pregnant when I can’t be. Oh, well, I could… but not safely. I still watch it, for the moments of birth and the cute smiley newborns. I want to sniff them. I love the new baby smell.

It’s hard to be very depressed, however, when you have such a cutie as Julia around. She’s singing, dancing, demanding that I draw things far beyond my artistic skill, and generally just being the cutest little thing on two legs. She’s so well-behaved, so… I just love her, ok?

We went to visit our kitten, who’s not done yet (weaning, that is) - his name is Roswell and he’s four weeks old. Seeing Julia with a kitten pile was too cute for words. “Can I have them? Pick ‘em up? Aww, so cute. So tiny. Can I have ‘em?” - repeat times, oh, fifty. It was adorable, though. Here is a picture of our little Roswell:

Aside from the kitten happiness, our lives are pretty good right now, which is nice. If only I could stop having these migraines…

Technorati Tags: kitten, baby, migraine

Ok, so this weekend I’m finally going to meet a bunch of people I feel like I’ve known my whole life at this point - from my writing forum. Will they like me? Won’t they? I’m pretty sure everyone will look at me and go, wow, you’re short - this is the reaction I get from most people. But I will ply them with food… oh the food will work.

Aside from that, my weekends are going to be so booked for the rest of the summer. Next weekend (the 18th - 19th) I am going to hang out with my brother and his wife - who hardly ever get to see my precious Julia. The weekend after is my Godson’s birthday party, and more family time - this time Stephen’s side.

Last weekend was Julia’s first venture into a “real” swimming pool… she did so well! Far less scared of the water than her own Ma. She even stuck her face into the water to blow bubbles! The pool itself was a trip - it seemed like every square inch of water was occupied by a small child’s body. Well, some of the areas were actually covered with hairy backed BO smelling adults (women too! but I digress). One of these days, I’ll actually learn to swim and enjoy pools/water. Hopefully before Julia learns how…

Technorati Tags: weekend, writing, swimming, birthday

It’s back with a vengeance. Of course, this isn’t my first bout with the anti-Sandman, I’ve been unable to sleep normally for most of my life. Sleeping pills like Ambien and numerous different Valium cousins work for a while, but leave me all hung over and unable to wake up in the middle of the night - not good for a mommy. The funny thing is, I’m nearly always tired during the day - that hazy fatigue, feeling like the aftermath of an all-nighter calculus study session. Right now, my eyes are puffy and dark, covering my vision from the bottom up. I feel… sodden, or bloaty, or both. Coffee’s not even cutting it, my precioussss.

I know part of it’s worry, part stress, part well, everything in my life. Of course, just like everyone else, my life isn’t easy. I hear good news and learn bad at the same time. Mentally… well, feh. We all know how I am in that regard.

Technorati Tags: insomnia, sleep, tired